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13 March 2008 @ 07:51 pm
Three Drabbles, for reserve, with love and squalor  
Society for Creative Anachronism: Ten and Ainley!Master do the Ren Faire

The Doctor laughed for five minutes solid as the Master tugged his silver-encrusted collar, attempting to wait out the humiliation.

“Let me guess: you come here to feel impressive because you’re more historically accurate?”

“And better dressed,” the Master growled.

“You’re such an anorak!”

“And you’re here, glomping me, because you appreciate turkey legs and over-priced ciders, or because you’ve lost me to some catastrophe and in a fit of remorse you’re violating your own time line to track me down?”

The Doctor winced visibly. Coughed.

“Wanna go correct anal-retentive SCA members?”

Smirk. “Why Doctor, I thought you’ve never ask.”

Golden Retriever (I was thinking of Girl!Crack and their dog)

“You can’t feed the dog on dreams, Doctor, it’s not one of your insipid companions. Eventually you’re going to cave and go to the Tesco.”

“I’m never leaving the bed. You’ll have to build extensions onto the frame and headboard if there’s anything you expect me to do.”

“I know I’m exquisitely good, but even I’m not a replacement for Alpo.”

“Why’d we get a dog anyway?”

“You said if you were doing domestic you were going all out.”

The Doctor groaned into the pillow, defeated. “Fine. Let’s hope I can find money.”

"Oh don't fret, Doctor. I have coupons!"

And I'm going to re-watch Ghost Busters before writing Martha Saves Manhattan.
jadedgothchildjadedgothchild on March 14th, 2008 04:05 am (UTC)
Hah! Master has coupons. Awesome. Also, your background is giving me geekgasms. *chews the sexy library*
x_losficx_losfic on March 14th, 2008 04:14 am (UTC)
*grin* Anyone that OCD is a couponer. At least in crack!world. Trufax.

Isn't is awesome?! Free lj layouts com, man, all the easy to install pretty you can shake a hardcover at.
Chaos: Jackcatorder_of_chaos on March 14th, 2008 05:05 am (UTC)
*grins some more*

I love it when the Master's humiliated and cranky about it. I almost feel sorry for the SCA members. I definitely feel that the two of them should not be allowed to own pets (well, humans would be fine - they can feed themselves - but not dogs).

Loved these. Most amusing.
x_losfic: Tenx_losfic on March 14th, 2008 05:22 am (UTC)
Augh, exactly! He's just so tetchy I wanna poke him!

I like some SCA people (I had to do a newspaper article on ren faire culture, so I Learned Much), as they're generally not as bad as some of the H-COR reenactment kids, who can get self-righteous in that way only Truest Nerds can manage. "You didn't knit that with the bone of a sparrow which you hunted with a longbow and flax you collected yourself from the very living hills of Stratford?! Hack!" It's like Martha Stewart with chain mail.

Maybe they're not the best pet owners? But I bet the TARDIS keeps the thing alive when they forget about it for a week, and the Doctor really wanted that dog to love...
Chaosorder_of_chaos on March 15th, 2008 12:13 pm (UTC)
The Master would not appreciate being poked. Of this I am sure.

I've always thought the SCA sounded like fun, as long as you didn't take it too seriously.

"You didn't knit that with the bone of a sparrow which you hunted with a longbow and flax you collected yourself from the very living hills of Stratford?! Hack!"
I blame your comments with the muskrat and trebuchet, but I can see the Master doing that, if it was to knit something for the Doctor. Easily.

Daffodil's in good hands then. *grins* The TARDIS probably has a whole zoo of animals she's taking care of, accumulated by the Doctor over the years.
x_losficx_losfic on March 15th, 2008 05:00 pm (UTC)
They def. did show me some interesting, fun stuff, like this thing with a series of cards and all these little holes and you turned the cards in patterns and it made a complicated patterned ribbon? That, SCA? Was pretty damn sweet.

Ha. Yep.

"Daffodil's in good hands then. *grins* The TARDIS probably has a whole zoo of animals she's taking care of, accumulated by the Doctor over the years."

O_O Is it just me or the the room of lost pets (and occasional forgotten companions) the SADDEST ROOM EVER? He stumbles in one day and it's just all these animals, prevented from aging/dying by the TARDIS, starring at him with sad eyes. Like all the abandoned Christmas puppies in the world.
Chaosorder_of_chaos on March 16th, 2008 08:34 am (UTC)
and occasional forgotten companions
So very true. I read a fic just recently in which it turned out that Peri had been lost in the depths of the TARDIS for years. It made sense.


Did he actually keep the horse from The Girl in the Fireplace, or do I just think he did because I've read too much fanfiction?
x_losfic: Tenx_losfic on March 16th, 2008 11:08 pm (UTC)
Um. That sounds so true re: Peri. Remember where you found it? I'd so read that!

You know I have no idea what became of the Pony. Hopefully it wasn't a Boxer from Animal Farm situation where Noble Pony Met Sucky Fate.

Shame moment: Girl in the Fireplace is the only NewWho ep I never watched. I heard 'abandons TARDIS/development arc w/ Rose for some fling with a French lovvah who Mary Sue style mind-groks him and tells him he was Lonely As A Child (which actually doesn't seem to fit his personality at all/what little we know about that period to me)' and I went '...I think that would only make me angry. So no.'

I'm by no means a batchipper, obviously, but him abandoning Rose 'n TARDIS in the manner it was described to me seemed ultra off? I know I need to see it (and probably will this week, b/c Spring break occurs as we speak) b/c people say it's a great ep in a vacuum, but I will probably go nuts re: how poorly it seems to fit into the narrative arc?
Chaosorder_of_chaos on March 17th, 2008 08:41 am (UTC)
A Girls' TARDIS Adventure. I just reread it - it's crack (I'd forgotten how crack), it's good, and it has a Doctor/Jack/Master sandwich in the background.

Shame moment remix: I haven't seen Father's Day yet. I keep meaning to. I cringe at the thought of Rose being illogical/emo enough to stop her dad getting killed, but mostly I just "haven't got around to it yet". It's the only one I've missed, out of New Who.
I haven't read Animal Farm, either. Should I?

I'd have to rewatch GitF to be able to comment intelligently - I certainly enjoyed it, but at the time I watched it I was constitutionally incapable of disliking anything Doctor Who, so that doesn't necessarily mean anything.
I'm sure he was lonely at least once as a child, though. He'd probably had a particularly vicious row with Koschei the day before and was just realising that this meant he didn't get to show him the chromatic alterator he'd just finished and that it wouldn't be half as much fun turning parts of the academy (and its inhabitants) different colours all by himself.
x_losfic: Fourx_losfic on March 17th, 2008 05:45 pm (UTC)
Damn, that IS good crack.

Actually given how little he explains to her, I think Rose is perfectly reasonable in Father's Day. He literally is like 'have NO warnings whatsoever. Omg you did that? I'm so angry!' leaving Rose to be like 'wait. Wait, what?' It's probably my favorite episodes of that season. I get wibbly from the sadness of her disappointed expectations of her parents and the genuine quality of her Pete, who's so much gentler and kinder than AU!Pete b/c he's lived a very different life.

Animal Farm and 1984 take so little time. They're quick reads, each is finishable in a long afternoon. I don't love Orwell's writing for its prose quality so much a I respect his ideas/recognize how many damn references get made to him. So take that as you will?

I certainly enjoyed it, but at the time I watched it I was constitutionally incapable of disliking anything Doctor Who, so that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Oh man, I went through that phase forever! Now even when a classic episode is unfathomably bad (hello again, Time Crash and Survival) or a new ep feels like Torchwood quality, I still love it. I just am able to mock what I disliked and enjoy what I did. But even like, Fear Her I can't make myself HATE, because there were interesting little bits!

Um. I LOVE that being his childhood wangst AND the idea of the chromatic alterator. Pure win. And so potentially fluffy!fun!
infraredphaetoninfraredphaeton on March 14th, 2008 05:35 am (UTC)
This is brilliant.
I can just see the Master walking up to some SCA guy going, "oh, you do realise that those buttons were only used from 1869 through 1897, right? And this is supposed to be set in 1867. Oh well. I guess some people just can't be bothered to sort all their hiostorical inaccuracies. And your leather pouch is tooled using ethanol. Too modern.
Well. I'm going to go find some one who actually knows what they're doing."

...and as for the second drabble, I have to wonder, who walks the dog?
x_losfic: Ranix_losfic on March 14th, 2008 05:39 am (UTC)
PFFT. You win, because that is EXACTLY what happens. And he thinks of it all self satisfied a week later and chuckles into his tea and thinks 'yes, I ruined a life. Mmm, breakfast is sweeter for it.'

Oh I imagine that, along with 'who will top this week?' this is a source of great earnest debate, elaborate schemes to get out of having to do it, and Much Pouting.
x_losficx_losfic on March 14th, 2008 05:42 am (UTC)
*EDIT* except they don't scheme to get out of topping, just the opposite. That argument involves clever Rube Goldberg-esque plans to end up in a certain opportune position 'just coincidentally' after like, rolling off a cliff in an effort to save a tribal leader from a Space Grue or some crap the Doctor's making them do this week.
infraredphaetoninfraredphaeton on March 14th, 2008 05:43 am (UTC)
"breakfast is sweeter for it"
and the doctor is just sort of tagging along, and occasionally allowing the broken hearted Ren-Faire-ers to cry on his shoulder. Then the Master glares, and he pats them on the shoulder 'ther there everything will be alright' and runs off to catch up.
...But sometimes he just can't help himself and joins in.
And a -Master-Doctor tag-team would ruin the person for life.
....but at least the Doctor feels kind of bad about it afterwards.
x_losficx_losfic on March 14th, 2008 06:00 am (UTC)
Oh my god, as a hater tag team they could cut a path of destruction through the old-school Renaissance Pleasure Faire the likes of which the Master has heretofore only dreamed of!

And what if one day some punk kid actually, just out of sheer luck, manages to one up the Master with 'actually this, so my costume's good.' His eyes will get all dead inside a la Planet of Fire and Ten will show up, notice Ainley!Master's distress and flip his shit. "What did you do to my precious ego-maniacal baby?! I can't keep going through them like this! If you so much as impugned his nerdiness I'll have your snood, h0r!"
infraredphaetoninfraredphaeton on March 14th, 2008 06:04 am (UTC)
Whereupon the punk-kid would sort of back off slowly until he could run away, and Ten would ignore it in favour of hugging the Master and reassuring him that his costume is far superior to the stupid little teenager's one, after all, the Master bought his from that little shop in London back in the eighteen hundreds, and so on, until the Master snaps out of it and stops sniffling, and goes hunt down and destroy the kid, the kid's family, and everyone who had ever met, talked to, or even seen the kid.
x_losficx_losfic on March 14th, 2008 06:11 am (UTC)
LOL. Except the Doctor who, while having sinned in that he did in fact see that kid/witness the Master being publicly embarrassed, gets to live because his cuddles and ego-stroking are so amazingly effective and when he stoops to it his nasty comments are so eviscerating. People have cried into their turkey legs, he's so fierce.

Um, you should reallllly join best_enemies b/c you + our crack discussions = ultimate win.
infraredphaetoninfraredphaeton on March 14th, 2008 06:17 am (UTC)
I haven't hear of it.
But I shall do as you command.
psst..mental image: The doctor does that sort of zig-zag movement with his index finger, and props one hand of his hip "Oh, you did not just say that. Uh uh! You did not just say that."

You can tell when the Master and the Doctor have been to a Ren Faire, because the turkey legs taste suspiciously salty, and people are wandering around with grease stains on their face (From the crying into them)

...and can't you just see the master sneaking into the kitchen and adding a bit of arsenic to the turkey legs.
and then, when the Doctor gets hungry and goes to eat one, the Master has a strange burst of conscience (well, not really conscience. he just needs to keep the Doctor alive for cuddles and ego-stroking) and knocks it away. by jumpijng through the air yelling Noooooo!

In slow motion.

And the Doctor is sort of WTF? What did you do that for?...hey, wait a minute, what's wrong with the turkey legs?
x_losficx_losfic on March 14th, 2008 07:46 am (UTC)
Not having heard of it may be a little on purpose. We like is small and intimate, the better to facilitate our meta and/or crazy in a cozy 'oh, I know you, hi there!' environment.

HA re: crying while eating. Always disturbing, yet never not kinda funny in an 'I'm a horrible person' way. And I have NO IDEA WHY. But as there's a blog dedicated to it, I'm not alone I guess?

He must like, physically tuck bits of arsenic into the meat w/ a pokety stick, b/c I have no idea how else you practically do that to turkey legs. I don't think there's a glaze, is there?

That image=beautiful.
infraredphaetoninfraredphaeton on March 14th, 2008 07:55 am (UTC)
Going with the theory that Master is actually a super-sekrit chef, he probably bustled into the kitchen and said 'we're making glazes. This is what you do. Hey, why the hell are you idiots just standing there? I said MAKE GLAZES!
...and add this to it. Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO!'
And then swept out before anyone knew what had happened.
Of course, this all happened while the Doctor had gone to the bathroom, because otherwise he would have had a clingy Ten on his arm.
...Which doesn't sound so bad.
In fact, the Master has decided, fuck the timelines, he likes this Doctor and will keep him.
x_losfic: Tenx_losfic on March 14th, 2008 05:06 pm (UTC)
Why is the prospect of him deciding that, even in the midst of all our utter crack, disturbingly so very hot to me? Ten/Ainley!Master, I dunno what it is, but that's SUCH an interesting match. Maybe it's that whole 'he's a lot like Five in some ways' thing?

I know I'm on crack because I also think Five/Delgado!Master would be totally cute. I know it's all one with the larger pairing of any version of them/any version of them, but Ten/Ainley!Master? Specifically smokin'.
infraredphaetoninfraredphaeton on March 14th, 2008 05:11 pm (UTC)
I think 10/any master is overwhelmingly awesome.
In fact, we do not see nearly enough cross timeline master/doctor.
This is not right.
This should be fixed....We should do something about that.

psst...I think that the Master, now he has aquired a ten snugglebunny, simply goes from SCA event to SCA event to catwalk show and pokes fun at all the insecure people.
Can't you just imagine him sitting at the front row of a fashion show sharing pop corn with ten and talking about how fat the models are, and how those clothes don't suit them, and that she has the most digustingly narrow set eyes that only a mother could love, and even then, he's not sure.
x_losficx_losfic on March 14th, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC)
Lol, it's not cracky (tragically), but you do say this to the girl with the ridiculous epic cross timeline fic for them. I am doing my part here! ;p

HA! Also? Ainley!Master/Ten also go to a lot of Bollywood musicals and loudly critique the plot arcs, the use of all the languages, and the choreography, holding the latter up to the royal court dancers' standard at That Lovely Diwali In 1563 We Attended Last Week.

While they bitch, they both love them. Master <3's him some cheesy movies and Doctor tries to be stalwart, but there's something about all those plots with childhood lovers separated by crazy circumstance and/or one of their parent's insisting they marry someone else that just gets him to bawl every time. Luckily velvet shoulder pads can absorb a lot of water.
infraredphaetoninfraredphaeton on March 14th, 2008 06:11 pm (UTC)
...ooh, but the first few times the master saw musical's he almost had a mental breakdown (ala a fic I read with Nicholas Angel from Hot Fuzz, which I must reference so if you know what I'm talking about you don't think I stole the author's idea) about where the music came from and how everyone knew the words and how the scenes change for no reason, because he's OCD like that.

psst...The Doctor loves the Sound of Music, while the Master prefers the Blues Brothers. He like their style.
The Doctor just likes Maria, and the upbeat songs. Needless to say the movies they agree on a re rare and strange.
"But...*Master*, they're showing Hairspray at the Odion in Hampshire, and I haven't seen it! Please?"
"No, I won't. I hated the sixties the first time round. I refuse to relive it through a crossdressing John Travolta."
"Please, Master."
"Ohh. Say that again."
"Please, Master?"
"....We're staying in. Now say that again."
Secretary of Diplomatic Teas and Bombing Things: JKHGFLSGLFDKG WTFreserve on March 14th, 2008 07:00 am (UTC)
God, I love you so much. I have such an internet!girl-crush on you. It's totally retarded and completely true and I would buy you a golden retriever and take you to Ren faires. Basically I would take care of you forever and ever (like Ten and Simm!Master in the TARDIS) if you wanted -- so you should move to NYC in May. I mean, if you want. We could be roommates. Who doesn't want to live in Manhattan at least once, right? That said, these are both amazing and more than I expected. And I love Girl1!Crack. And I'm drunk? Did I mention I was drunk? I'm drunk because I'm celebrating being Jewish for a living, but that doesn't change my offer of being your sugar mama for at least two years in The Big City.

Okay. Wow. This is a creepy comment.
x_losficx_losfic on March 14th, 2008 08:07 am (UTC)
How is it your crunk post has better spelling than my sober!drunk!post? HOW?! But you should be drunk, b/c grad school! Go you!

Oh honey, love you too, but I iz independent woman, and capable of contributions! I would pay you such rent/I would probably get another pastry chef job (man, at Magnolia for GREAT HIPSTER CRED *eyeroll*). Or, you know, actually do creative non-fiction/lit journalism and submit to pro fiction markets like college is prepping me for or some bullshit. I even have family in Brooklyn (lol, cliche) to mooch washer and dryer use out of.

But sadly am obligated all next year to live on a kibbutz as a social experiment in post golbalization political ideology/economic decentralization w/ a creative non-fic angle and like, write about it for Azure? Probably? English Azure, mind, I am NOT good enough for Hebrew Azure and I'm riding Marshal Poe's coattails/connections hard as is. SPEAKING OF JEW FOR PAY.

Ha, I'm glad you like girl!crack? But I consider it maybe my weakest thing. Groundhog being my favorite for writing style/as a one-off. But I have a sneaking suspicion that you'll only like that one when I burn you those eps over Spring B. ;p

Secretary of Diplomatic Teas and Bombing Thingsreserve on March 14th, 2008 08:11 am (UTC)



OK. *gives up wooing*

(But that's only one year, will be at JTS for two years! Think on it. Or, I mean, I will be in Israel next summer, also. I need to brush up on my v. bad heebs.)
x_losfic: Tenx_losfic on March 15th, 2008 01:02 am (UTC)
Oh hey, I'll be there then too! Man. At least you have Hebrew to brush up on. Someone didn't bat mitzvah and her name may or may be oh god I'm going to be fucked there aren't I?

I was offered (it's not 100%, but there's a good chance) an Atlantic Monthly paid internship, so I might wind up in NY this summer? Family in Brooklyn has a spare bed. It's that or live with my parents back home while I work at the paper all summer. Ew.